| |
ANN, a professional clarinetist with a big deal audition only days away, has been
summoned to Texas by her brother Jerry, a newly converted born-again Christian.
Though highly distracted by the obligations of a large family (14 adopted children and
5 chihuahuas), Jerry wants Ann to help him commit their sister, Eloise, who has gone
off on a drug-induced paranoid streak. First, however, they must break through their
elderly parents’ denial of the situation. In this scene, Ann, who has flown in the night
before, is waiting for Jerry who lives nearby. The two of them plan on taking their
parents to see Eloise’s trashed lakeside home. Eloise has partially destroyed the place.
She’s set fires, ripped off doors and siding, shot off guns inside, and booby-trapped
the decks to thwart an imagined “Cartel” which she thinks is out to get her. Eloise is
away on a binge, a perfect time for the siblings to show their parents physical proof of
Eloise’s paranoia.
FRANK and LILLIAN, the parents, have a different notion of reality.
LILLIAN is slicing up the usual morning cantaloupe at the kitchen island. FRANK is slurping coffee
and reading the newspaper at the breakfast table. Offstage, the sound of clarinet scales. The music stops
and ANN appears at the door with her clarinet.
FRANK : Thought you had the hang of that thing by now.
LILLIAN: She was always a late bloomer, dear.
FRANK: Awful early to be practicing.
ANN: I’ve got an important audition in three days. I moved up to Finals for the
Philadelphia. I may have a shot at First Chair, Dad - First Chair for the Philadelphia
Orchestra.
LILLIAN: That’s nice, dear.
ANN: The PHILADELPHIA Orchestra. (No response.) Anyway, I’m done.
LILLIAN: And we have quite a day, dear. With that “family conference” you and Jerry
have scheduled for us.
FRANK: Why’s a family need a conference? Are we IBM?
LILLIAN: It’s a new idea of Ann and Jerry’s. They’re always coming up with new
ideas.
ANN (Ignoring her parents.): Has Jerry called yet? He was supposed to last night.
LILLIAN: Not that I know of. But you know Jerry.
FRANK: He’s probably praying down at that new church of his, he’s always praying.
ANN: So where do you think you left your cell phone last, Mom? I can’t believe I
forgot mine, I was in such a rush…
LILLIAN: We hardly ever use it. Frank, would you like some cantaloupe?
FRANK: Is it Texas melon?
LILLIAN: It’s not worth eating if it’s not.
FRANK: You bet. A half will do it.
(LILLIAN motions with the cantaloupe knife to her daughter.)
LILLIAN: Annie?
ANN: Maybe later, Mom. I’d like to find that phone before we start dealing with...
well... what we have to deal with today.
(LILLIAN is carrying half a cantaloupe into her husband.)
LILLIAN: There you go, dear. And don’t forget your vitamins. Especially the E for
your mind.
FRANK: My mind’s...
LILLIAN: “Sharp as a tack.” I know. But even tacks have been known to wobble a
little.
ANN: Dad - Do you remember seeing you all’s cell phone anywhere lately?
FRANK: Your sister’s got it. She lost hers.
LILLIAN: She’s always losing them and the Cartel cut off her house phone.
ANN: I just don’t get it. Why do you let her waltz in here and take whatever--- The
CARTEL? Mom, there’s no “Cartel.”
LILLIAN: What was that, dear?
FRANK: Did I hear something about a waltz? Boy, that’s what we need today--a little
dancing. My back’s all better.
LILLIAN: I told you it was all in your mind.
ANN: I said I’m flabbergasted you’d give Eloise your cell phone. You just said she’s
always losing them.
( FRANK is singing “I Was Waltzing with my Darling to the Tennessee Waltz”
as he begins to dance with his wife.)
LILLIAN: We never use it, dear. You and Jerry talked us into it. So far we haven’t had
a single emergency.
ANN : Well, this is an emergency. TODAY IS AN EMERGENCY. That’s why I flew
all the way down here between auditions during the most important time of my entire
career. I can’t imagine a more emergency-filled day.
(LILLIAN stops dancing.)
LILLIAN: You’d better eat, Frank. You’ll be thrown off if you miss your breakfast.
ANN: Thrown off? WE’RE ALL THROWN OFF. In my entire life I’ve never felt
more thrown off than I am today.
LILLIAN: Shall I leave the melon out on the counter for you, Ann? I realize you’ve
been dieting and that’s appropriate, but you’ve still got to eat.
ANN (Giving up): Maybe I’ll have it for lunch. Looks good. I miss those up North, we
just don’t get enough heat-- No flavor. Or eat it yourself; you’re going to need your
strength.
FRANK: Your mother’s always been strong, melon or not, don’t know what you’re
talking about. She could have been Rosie the Riveter.
(LILLIAN rolls up a bathrobe sleeve, flexes a bicep.)
FRANK: Pretty good. Pretty darned good.
LILLIAN: I was Rosie the Riveter you know.
ANN: You were?
FRANK: She’s a surprise a minute. Even after fifty-five years of livin’ with her.
LILLIAN: Not that my name was ever Rosie.
FRANK: But she was beautiful. Still is. And strong like I said. Guess you could have
been Rosie.
LILLIAN: Oh, there were a bunch of us. They called us all Rosie. We just modeled for
the poster. I was strong, though. Swam every day. They didn’t care about that in those
days, but I could pack a wallop.
ANN: Well, I’m impressed, Mom. I really am. (Beat.) Now, about the--
(The house phone rings.)
ANN: Shall I get that? Sure hope it’s Jerry.
LILLIAN: Our home is your home, dear.
FRANK: Mi casa is su casa.
ANN (Into the phone): Hello.
LILLIAN (To her husband): I love it when you speak Spanish, dear. Say “butter.”
FRANK: Mantequilla.
ANN: God, Jer. I thought you were going to call me back last night. (Listens.) Oh,
really?…The twins and the fourth chihuahua ? Sounds like you’ve got your hands full…
(Listens.)… So when are you coming over? I’ve got my own hands full with the parents…
(Whispering:) you know them…and have got to squeeze in some more practicing after
we’re done at the lake house. (Listens.)…Yeah, that’ll work, I was just going to run do an
errand. (Listens.) So in an hour then? (Listens.). Great. I sure don’t want to do this alone.
(Listens.). Can’t wait to see you either.
LILLIAN (Continuing): Now say “Please pass me the butter.”
FRANK: Me hace el favor de pasarme la mantequilla.
LILLIAN: Gracias.
FRANK: Not “Gracias”.
LILLIAN: I always say “Gracias”.
FRANK: You don’t have to say “gracias” if you’re the one passing the butter. It’s the
one who gets the butter who’s supposed to say “gracias”.
LILLIAN: Then what does the butter passer say?
(The parents laugh as Ann hangs up the phone.)
FRANK: Must have been that brother of yours.
ANN: Thank God for Jerry right now.
LILLIAN: He’s always lecturing us these days, reading from the Bible.
FRANK: He’s a pain in the butt.
LILLIAN: I think that new religion has adversely affected him. He can get real mean.
ANN: Jerry - mean? I know his religious views can get kind of obnoxious, but--
FRANK: Well, he is topnotch in his field, I’ll say that for him.
LILLIAN: We never knew he was smart. We always thought Eloise was the smart
one.
ANN: Well, we couldn’t do this without him.
LILLIAN: Do what, dear?
ANN: Nothing, mother.
LILLIAN: What was that? I can’t hear you.
ANN: NOTHING, MOTHER.
LILLIAN: You don’t have to shout, dear. It’s still early in the day.
ANN: What does that have to do with anything? For fucking Christ’s sake --
FRANK: Your language is getting a little out of line there, young lady.
ANN: Dad. I’m not a young lady anymore. I am FORTY-NINE years old-- And I
can’t believe I’m dealing with...all this...stuff…at my age…at your ages…and right in
the middle of the biggest possible moment of my career. I don’t mean to sound selfish,
but I may never get another chance like this. If things weren’t so damned urgent here--
Look, I’m sorry about the swearing, I don’t mean to be disrespectful, it’s just that--
LILLIAN: You could always swear in Spanish.
ANN: Mother, I don’t want to be swearing at you in any language.. I know that’s not
what you need right now, but sometimes.... I swear---
LILLIAN: You’re getting all heated up again, dear. I know how sensitive you are, how
you’ve always been so overly sensitive--
ANN: I am not overly sensitive. I’m just responding to an insane situation in a perfectly
normal way.
LILLIAN: I don’t know how you do so much in your life, you’re far too busy for
someone with a husband and children.
ANN: Grown children.
LILLIAN: They never really grow up.
ANN: You can say that again.
FRANK: Does that husband of yours ever get to eat a home-cooked meal?
ANN: His name is Bruce, Dad.
LILLIAN: I worry about you, too, honey. It’s not just your sister I lay awake about all
night long...
FRANK (Continuing): What does he think of all the traveling you do? All those concerts
you toot that horn in?
ANN: Bruce is fine with my career, he’s very supportive.
FRANK: What’s he doing while you’re down here? Eating TV dinners?
ANN: We have a huge Whole Foods store and a new Trader Joe’s just five minutes
from our house. Wait a minute, WE HAVE A CRISIS ON OUR HANDS. Why are we
talking about--?
LILLIAN: What crisis?
FRANK: Trader Joe’s. What’s that?
LILLIAN: Sounds kind of tropical. Do they speak Spanish there?
FRANK: What’s wrong with the usual grocery store names? Like we have down here--
Tom Thumb, Piggly Wiggly. It’s because it’s so liberal up there where--
ANN: Mother, what’s this with the Spanish?
LILLIAN: Well, the world’s changing, dear. They say that by 2050 the U.S .population
is going to be 50% Spanish.
ANN: Hispanic, Mother. 50% Hispanic.
LILLIAN: Well, it doesn’t matter. Your father and I won’t be here then. That will be for
your grandchildren.
(ANN plops down in a chair, takes several deep breaths.)
ANN: O.K, let’s regroup. I think we’ve gotten a little off track. (Beat.) Jerry’s coming
over at ten. When do the stores open around here?
LILLIAN: We have plenty of food, dear. And remember that delicious cantaloupe.
ANN: I’m only going to buy a cell phone. I’m all dressed, so I’ll--
FRANK: Hold your horses, I’ll buy the phone for you. (He’s pulling out his wad of bills.)
I know more about it than you. Your sister was telling me that there are these cheap
throwaways with a certain number of prepaid calls on them. Does away with all that
servicing rigamarole.
ANN: I’ve never heard of throwaway phones. You know, Eloise is not exactly the most
reliable source of information--
FRANK: That girl’s smart.
ANN: Dad, I’d like to go with you to buy the phone. I ‘m happy to drive.
LILLIAN : Be sure to get one with a deep ear cup.
FRANK: You’re not driving my Cadillac.
LILLIAN: I hear there’s one kind with a deep ear cup, then, we might be able to hear
out of it, too.
ANN: We can take Mom’s car.
FRANK: I’m not riding in a tin can. Anyway, I can still drive, can’t I? Besides, you never
could drive worth a darn.
ANN: Dad, you haven’t seen me drive in years; you never let me.
FRANK: I know when my own daughter shouldn’t be behind the wheel, let me be the
judge of that.
ANN: O.K., Dad. You drive, it’s not that big a deal.
(Her mother pulls her over to the side while her father goes to get ready.)
LILLIAN: Please keep an eye on him, Annie. The other day he couldn’t find the
accelerator with his foot.
ANN: Couldn’t find the -- Mom. He’s not still driving at night, is he? The last time I
was here, he promised --
LILLIAN: Well, only over to the country club for Sunday night buffet, that’s so close.
He can drive down the middle of the road in our neighborhood, everyone knows he
does that, they watch out for him, and I help him with where the curbs are. He does
fairly well when I help him. And we go to a few restaurants that we’ve been going to
forever. And to the symphony, but that’s only once a month, and it’s a straight shot
downtown --
ANN: MOTHER! STOP! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE. I’M SORRY I
ASKED. I don’t want to know one thing more about Dad’s driving.
LILLIAN: Well you did ask.
(Frank comes shuffling back into the kitchen.)
FRANK: You ready to get movin’, Annie? We don’t have all day you know. Gotta get
back for that “family conference” you and Jerry cooked up.
ANN: I know, Dad.
LILLIAN: Take care of your father, Ann. He’s the only Spanish-speaking husband I
have.
(Frank and Lillian kiss.)
LILLIAN & FRANK (Together, to each other): Gracias.
(Ann stops a moment, perhaps savoring this moment between her parents
before proceeding with the day ahead.)
END OF SCENE
|
