Nice Pants

Donna Stuccio

The play takes place in the present in the booking area of a drab and messy police station. There is a bulletin board on the back wall with mug shots and papers. There is a camera and fingerprint area and row of chairs stage right. There is a holding cell stage left. Upstage center, there is an old beat up desk with stacks of papers and a phone. It’s a quiet night, so there is little activity. We hear voices off stage as a seventy-year-old man, MR. PANDOZZI, handcuffed in the front enters stage left followed by OFFICER JACKSON, a trim, 40ish female plainclothes officer. He is neatly dressed in various shades of mismatched blue: a light blue button down long sleeve shirt, blue and pale yellow striped tie, and dark blue khakis, blue socks and brown loafers. She is dressed in tight shiny turquoise blue spandex ankle-length pants, a tight light blue sequined tank top, blue jeweled flip flops, and rhinestone earrings. Her dark brown straight hair falls to her waist. Her badge dangles around her chest on a chain.

OFFICER JACKSON

(As she guides him to the row of seats.)

All right, sir. Why don’t you have a seat right here while I start the paperwork. I’ll take your picture and prints in a little bit.

MR. PANDOZZI

I can’t sit there!

OFFICER JACKSON

Mr. Pandozzi, we’ve been through this hundred times on the way here. You are now in my custody, and I need you to cooperate. Now, please sit down.

(She tries to gently push him onto a chair.)

MR. PANDOZZI

(He begins to pull away from her.)

No, I will not sit there. (He turns around.) These chairs are very dirty. I would prefer to stand.

(He strikes an indignant pose, but his body teeters a bit.)

OFFICER JACKSON

Fine, Mr. Pandozzi, but remember you are under arrest. I’ll print you first.

(She starts to lead him to the finger print area stage right.)

MR. PANDOZZI

Under arrest? For what?

(Flailing his handcuffed hands in front of him.)

OFFICER JACKSON

I explained this in the police car. You are being arrested for patronizing a prostitute.

(She takes out a handcuff key from inside of her bra and unlocks the cuffs. He massages his wrists as he winces.)

MR. PANDOZZI

Patronizing….What…How could that be? I did no such thing!

OFFICER JACKSON

Yes, you did.

(While the lines continue, she begins the process of rolling his individual fingers in the black ink. He recoils. She hangs onto his hand.)

MR. PANDOZZI

How?

OFFICER JACKSON

I was standing on the corner of Willow and State. You stopped your car, rolled down your window and asked how much.

(She maintains control of his hand and, one by one, she rolls his fingers on the card. He is visibly obsessed by the muck on his fingers.)

MR. PANDOZZI

You’re a prostitute?

OFFICER JACKSON

No, Mr. Pandozzi. I’m a police decoy.

(She hands him paper towels from the desk, and he begins to rigorously wipe his hands.)

MR. PANDOZZI

Why didn’t you say so? You know, I am not accustomed to ladies in uniform.

OFFICER JACKSON

But I wasn’t in uniform.

MR. PANDOZZI

Exactly!

OFFICER JACKSON

Now I’m confused.

(She leads him to the camera and stands him in front of it.)

MR. PANDOZZI

You’re telling me. You have me confused with a criminal! I have never been in trouble with the law in my entire life.

OFFICER JACKSON

Did you or did you not ask me how much?

MR. PANDOZZI

I was talking about your pants!

(She has a board with a date on the top row and, she puts some numbers in the bottom.)

OFFICER JACKSON

My pants?

MR. PANDOZZI

Yes, your pants! I thought they were very nice.

OFFICER JACKSON

Nice?

MR. PANDOZZI

Yes!

OFFICER JACKSON

You wanted to buy my pants? That’s the lamest defense I’ve ever heard! And I’ve heard it all.

(She places the board around his neck and moves behind the camera.)

MR. PANDOZZI

No, no, I don’t want your pants! It was just a question-"How much"! How can I be arrested for asking a question!

OFFICER JACKSON

The crime is the question!

(Peeking from behind the camera.)

MR. PANDOZZI

The color of your pants caught my eye, I wanted to know how much you paid and I’m under arrest?!

(There is a great flash as she completes the mug shot. He begins to blink excessively.)

OFFICER JACKSON

You never said, "How much did you pay for your pants?" You just said, "How much?" Driving up to woman on a street corner and asking "how much" implies you are looking to pay for sex.

MR. PANDOZZI

Pay for (whispers) sex? You’re a police officer! Why would I ask you for (whispers) sex?

OFFICER JACKSON

You didn’t know I was a police officer when you stopped, did you?

MR. PANDOZZI

NO! How could I?

(Gestures to her outfit.)

OFFICER JACKSON

The point was for me not to look like the police!

MR. PANDOZZI

Oh. Well, that’s not very nice. The police should look like the police.

OFFICER JACKSON

If I looked like the police then I wouldn’t be able to arrest anyone for patronizing a prostitute!

MR. PANDOZZI

That’s my point!

OFFICER JACKSON

But, Mr. Pandozzi, we were running a john detail.

MR. PANDOZZI

John? Who is John?

(He looks around, confused.)

OFFICER JACKSON

John, with a small j, is a term we use for men who solicit sex (He winces upon hearing the word "sex") from prostitutes.

(She takes some paper towels from the desk and begins to wipe a seat clean for him. He resigns himself and sits as she gestures to the now cleaner seat.)

MR. PANDOZZI

Does your mother know you do this sort of work?

OFFICER JACKSON

(She sits at the other side of the desk.)

My mother? Yes, of course she knows I’m a police officer. I guess she’d be mortified if she heard the tapes from the wire I wore tonight. And she’d probably like me to wear head to toe body armor -

MR. PANDOZZI

(He cuts her off.)

Couldn’t you get a nice, safe desk job?

OFFICER JACKSON

I like what I do.

MR. PANDOZZI

Even this? Arresting an innocent person?

OFFICER JACKSON

Why would you ask how much my pants were?

MR. PANDOZZI

I don’t know! It was just a question! Honestly, I had no intention of trying to buy your pants or paying a complete stranger for (whispering) sex. (He winces.) Not that you are not a very attractive young lady, (reading her name tag under her badge) Ms. Jackson.

OFFICER JACKSON

I like you, Mr. Pandozzi. At least you didn’t try to strike a deal with me for two dollars, like the last john.

MR. PANDOZZI

Two dollars? Oh my, well that is just uncalled for.

OFFICER JACKSON

Even though I knew there was never going to be a deal, I was hurt.

MR. PANDOZZI

Well, of course you were.

OFFICER JACKSON

It’s a matter of pride.

MR. PANDOZZI

What was he thinking? The pants alone are worth-

OFFICER JACKSON

Eighteen ninety five. With tax. Thank you, New York State. Macy’s Manhattan spring 1986 on a shopping excursion with my college roommate. I can’t remember what day it is most of the time, but the history of a pair of pants like these, well that’s in the vault for good. Nice tie, by the way.

MR. PANDOZZI

This tie? Yes, yes. I took my 92-year-old mother, God rest her soul, to the final sale at Bonwit Teller six years ago. It was our last shopping trip. She said it matched my eyes.

OFFICER JACKSON

(As she gently lifts the tie to examine it.)

It’s a lovely silk.

MR. PANDOZZI

Italian, I think.

OFFICER JACKSON

(She looks at his eyes.)

Your mother was right. (She smiles at him with a bit of devilish glee.) How much?

MR. PANDOZZI

A steal at five thirty five.

OFFICER JACKSON

(They laugh.)

I’m going to buy your story about my pants.

MR. PANDOZZI

They are a lovely shade of purple.

OFFICER JACKSON

Purple? They’re blue! Well, more of a turquoise….

MR. PANDOZZI

I’m a bit color blind.

OFFICER JACKSON

A bit.

MR. PANDOZZI

Mother was a great help. (Pause as he looks at his outfit.) I miss her.

OFFICER JACKSON

I’m sure you do.

MR. PANDOZZI

Well, the pants are just lovely with those earrings.

OFFICER JACKSON

Thank you, Mr. Pandozzi. It’s very nice that someone appreciates all the trouble I go through to put myself together for these operations. The guys, (she nods to offstage left) well, you know men.

MR. PANDOZZI

(He nods in their direction, also.)

They’re a different generation. Well, if we’re all finished here, may I leave now?

OFFICER JACKSON

Well, your car is back at Willow Street.

MR. PANDOZZI

I need to drive it home.

OFFICER JACKSON

There’s a problem with that.

MR. PANDOZZI

What could that be?

OFFICER JACKSON

The little issue of the odor of an alcoholic beverage on your breath.

MR. PANDOZZI

Now, you’re on the right track.

OFFICER JACKSON

Scotch?

MR. PANDOZZI

You’re good.

OFFICER JACKSON

How much?

MR. PANDOZZI

Enough.

OFFICER JACKSON

Anyone I can call to give you a ride home?

(He shakes his head "no.")

MR. PANDOZZI

Are you going to arrest me for driving while under the influence of scotch?

OFFICER JACKSON

Too much trouble. C’mon. I’ll give you a ride home.

MR. PANDOZZI

(As he reaches in his back pocket and takes out his wallet.)

You are a very sweet young woman.

(He begins to pull something out of wallet and extends it to her.)

OFFICER JACKSON

Oh, no, Mr. Pandozzi, it’s illegal for me to take-

MR. PANDOZZI

Here. A twenty percent off coupon for Lord and Taylor. It expires next Tuesday. Get yourself something nice to go with those pants.

(She smiles and takes the coupon as the lights fade.)

OFFICER JACKSON

Thanks. I’ll do that. C’mon. Let’s get you home.

End of Play